


and then i said "dude, check it out. it's got extra mayo"

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, DocJan is mostly just implied but... Y'know, Multi, i guess??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29280030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Jan lets Doc know what he and that naughty little sandwich have been up to.
Relationships: Jan Valentine/McChicken, The Doctor (Hellsing)/Jan Valentine
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	and then i said "dude, check it out. it's got extra mayo"

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Jan Valentine Will Fuck Anything (McChicken Edition)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246152) by [SaintRabies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintRabies/pseuds/SaintRabies). 



Doc was in hell. That was the only explanation for this, he must have died and now he was being punished.

When Jan strutted into his lab, he didn't think anything of it at first. This was a common enough occurrence, he knew how to handle Jan. He _thought_ he did, anyway. But Jan always seemed to find new and horrifying ways to subvert his expectations

Like right now. Jan had burst in and just screamed. "Babe, I just had the most mind blowing nut of my life!"

Doc hadn't even looked up from what he was doing, just cringed a little and nodded. "Okay. Good for you."

"You gotta hear this shit, you're not gonna believe it."

Did he _have_ to? Did he really? Well, it was Jan, so it wasn't like he had much choice. Getting Jan to shut up was borderline impossible. He just had to deal with whatever Jan had in store for him.

Shouldn't be too hard. Jan had told him masturbation stories before. Many times, in fact. Doc had probably heard about more of Jan's orgasms than he'd had ones of his own.

"Fine. I'm listening." Jan would keep talking even if he wasn't, but whatever. 

"Okay okay, so earlier today me and my bro went to McDonalds, right? I got a-"

"What does this have to do with anything?" Since when did Jan add filler to his stories? If Doc had to hear a detailed description of Jan touching himself, he'd rather the other just cut to the chase and get it over with sooner.

"...I was gettin' to that. If you'd lemme finish."

"Go ahead." He couldn't see how that had any relevance, but this would take longer if he kept interrupting, so he'd just see where this went.

"Like I was sayin', I got a McChicken."

Absolutely abysmal choice, but then again choosing to eat food from McDonalds at all was a horrible decision.

"I took my shit back to my room, was ready to dig into it. Then while I was sitting there, I started feeling... really horny."

Not an uncommon thing. Every time he turned around Jan seemed to be excruciatingly horny.

"But there wasn't nothin' around to fuck. I looked everywhere. The bed, the floor right next to the bed. Everywhere!" Jan was punctuating his story with movements and hand gestures, something that would soon become quite horrific. "And I wasn't about to just use my hand like some sorta chump, I didn't know what to do. Then I looked over and saw it... it was still sitting in the bag, and it was still nice and warm..."

No fucking way. This wasn't going where Doc thought it was going. This was a joke, there was going to be a twist in here somewhere. There had to be.

"I knew what I had to do. It was just sittin' there, being all sexy, teasin' me. I was gonna make it my bitch."

It was a sandwich. A sandwich! 

"I unwrapped that bad girl, then whipped out my cock. I knew I couldn't go to town right away, had to start off slow. Give her some time to adjust so she didn't fall apart on me."

This wasn't happening. This was _not_ happening.

"But god _damn,_ she didn't make it easy. Best thing I've ever felt. Better than any ass or pussy or anything."

Jan had never gotten any of those things before in his life, nobody had ever willingly slept with him before. Doc wasn't going to point that out, though. Mostly because he was still speechless.

Jan leaned in close so he could give a dramatic whisper. "If you ask me though, I think she _wanted_ me to destroy her. Babygirl knew exactly what she was doing, comin' onto me like that. Didn't even try to resist when I stuck it in."

Doc wasn't sure if he'd ever cringed so hard in his life. 

"So, I gave her what she wanted. Really wrecked that little slut. Went fuckin' ham on her. After almost a full minute of pounding her, it was done. Mayo, lettuce, bread crumbs... shit was everywhere."

Almost a full minute? That might have been a new record for Jan, his usual time was closer to around twenty seconds. Not that Doc kept track of that sort of thing.

"I laid there for a lil bit, had to catch my breath. Once I recovered, I tried to put her back together. Wanted to treat her right, she rocked my fuckin' world man, I owed it to her."

That made sense. Except no it didn't, this was still food. Jan understood that, right? He knew that he was talking about food?

"Once she was mostly together again, I realized... damn... I'm pretty hungry." 

Doc was one hundred percent sure that Jan was clinically insane.

"So of course I- Wait baby where are you going, I'm not done!"

Doc ignored Jan's cries, exiting the room. He couldn't listen to any more of this. It was too much.

Unfortunately for him, Jan decided to pursue.

"So I thought to myself, it can't be that bad right? It's got _extra mayo_."

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. _Please_ shut the fuck up.

"And what do you know? It tasted exactly the same! I think these fuckers cum in all their McChickens!"

Doc wouldn't be surprised. But he also wanted to punch Jan's lights out for saying that.

"But anyway, that ain't the point here. The point is, that bitch had the best chussy I ever felt."

 _Chussy??_ Doc was going to cry, he really was.

"I think I should get Micky D's more often. I was thinking next time I should get the spicy chicken, I think that'd have a nice kick to it. Or maybe the McRib? It's nice and juicy, I should feel what it's like while it's still there."

Doc began walking faster. He needed to escape.

"Hey, maybe I could invite you next time? We could have ourselves a McGangbang."

He started outright running. He dashed through the zeppelin, desperately trying to get away from Jan.

Unfortunately, Jan had the advantage of being a vampire. He was faster than Doc could ever hope to be. He stayed right next to Doc during every step of this chase.

He still yelled though, despite them not even being a foot apart. Doc was sure everyone in this place could hear him shouting about what fast food item he wanted to violate next. 

Doc just hoped that if anyone investigated, they'd recognize he had no part in this. It wasn't his fault, it practically didn't even concern him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read the OG Jan Fucks A McChicken fic & you decided to read this... I'm so sorry. If you're the author of the OG fic, I'M SO SORRY


End file.
